Tuesday, July 28, 2009

I don't enjoy having thoughts of doom

I've been trying to cut down my Cipralex intake. My regular dose is 5mg, which is half what most people take, apparently. Why? I'm tired of the weird electrical current feeling I get at times when I'm very relaxed - like when I yawn, or when I wake up in the morning. The dry-as-the-Sahara-desert mouth is not much fun when I'm cycling. I hate the weight gain. Plus the narcolepsy-like fatigue that hits from time to time - what I mean is that when I get this fatigue, I can fall asleep in about one minute, like I've just given myself a bonk on the head, and boom, I'm out.

I started cutting back a few weeks ago, seeing what a Saturday morning was like without the Friday night dose. Good results - I could stay awake and had extra energy.

Then I started dropping Tuesdays from the regimen, as well as Fridays.

Then a few days ago, I started cutting the 10mg pills into quarters, which means I've been taking 2.5mg per day.

Last night when I was falling asleep, I idly started to plan and wonder how my husband and son would cope if I died. Tonight, when I was packing up my stuff at work to get ready to go home, I idly thought, ah, my desk is a bit messy; it'll be such a pain if someone has to clean it up if I get hit by a car or die of a heart attack on the way home.

These are not dramatic thoughts; they just drift into my head. And I've been this way, to varying degrees, as long as I can remember. However, since about 1998, it's been worse; again, to varying degrees. I remember going into my son's room to check on him as he slept, I'd start thinking about all the things that could have happened to him that day (but didn't happen!), and I'd soon be sobbing. Or I'd idly - usually as I try to fall asleep - try to plan how we'd cope if something happened to my husband.

It's not a nice way to live. And before I started taking the Cipralex (which was for anxiety), this kind of thing was just part of life, and I only really noticed it by its absence.

Anyway, I still truly dislike the side effects I'm getting from Cipralex, but until I can get to see my doctor (which will be awhile, since she's moving), I think I'm going to go back to my regular 5mg dose, because on Cipralex, I don't have these thoughts.

PS: Got home from work, hub's making dinner and I'm sitting in the dining room, watching Charlie on the balcony. Suddenly FLASH-BOOM! FLASH-BOOM! Two explosions. I yell at Charlie to get inside - as does my husband. We all wait a minute or so, then go out to see what it was - various neighbours are out on the balcony too. I come inside to sit with Charlie who has his fingers in his ears. FLASH-BOOM! Again!

Only this time, we can see that there's smoke coming from one of the hydro wires, and there's a tree branch leaning on it.

Not sure what/why, but we called 9II, the police & fire folks came, and th-th-that's all folks.

Weird, eh?

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