Sunday, August 17, 2008

Pot of gold

The other night when we were eating dinner, some big dark clouds rolled in, as they have been doing all summer. And since Charlie has been obsessed with tornadoes lately, making us sit and watch them endlessly with him, he got quite excited and thought he maybe saw a funnel cloud forming. Though there were funnel clouds in the city during this storm, we didn't see one. Unless those hangie-downie ones are premies. Then, it rained, torrentially, as it has been doing all summer. And then the sun came out.

And so, we got a rainbow - and this one was the most magnificent I think I have ever seen. It was one big arc; actually two big arcs. Of course, I grabbed my camera. I have dozens of photos of rainbows - especially from our balcony - and they never even come close to capturing the rapture. But here they are. Seeing miracles like that rainbow bring me a lot of joy. I look forward to those kind of tears again.

Here's why:

It's been one week since I cut my dose of Cipralex from 10mg to 5mg.

I did it because I don't like the side effects, which have not abated after 4 months, specifically:
a) the stomach upset;
b) the night sweats and subsequent shivering which mean I wake up shivering every morning; and
c) I REALLY crave cigarette smoke; I've never smoked, but I tell ya, I could really use a ciggie right now; and
d) the emotional constipation this drug has given me.

Having been a very sensitive and emotional person all my life, and also having gone through all those sessions of CBT to get over my fear of crying in public, I've been reflecting that, while on this medication, I miss that part of me that could cry at a sad episode of Deep Space 9.

While at 10 mg, I had a good solid three weeks of no tears, no crying at all. There were times when I expected to cry and did not. Could not. Which would've been great back when I was so terrified of crying at work (i.e. the last 20 years).

But now, my chief assignment since therapy is that I'm supposed to just let myself feel what I'm feeling and deal with the consequences. The problem on the meds is that sometimes I need to cry and I can't. It gets stuck and won't come out. Emotional constipation is not how I want to live. Not after all that hellish processing and facing up the the nugget of my fear I went through in therapy.

Note: I did cry in my b*ss's office when she crapped all over my draft outline and told me she was "concerned". I hadn't cried in a long time. Figures the damn would break there and then - though not out of sadness, but anger. But I just talked through it - no big hairy deal. She of course sat there as cold as ice. All I can say is, maybe she should cut back her dose too.

So far, the stomach upset has subsided a lot. But the sweats: yipes! Maybe it really is peri-menopause this time. But does that include huge drops in temperature too?
One more pic: here's what the sky looked like after the rainbow faded. We get a real good show up here, we do. So good, there aughta be a law.

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